Posted in Encouragement

Brokenness is a Gift

For so long I bought into the underlying lie that as a Christian wife and mother that I had to strive for perfection or I wasn’t a “good enough” Christian.

Pray more.

Trust more.

Do more.

Perform more.

Somehow if I was stronger and more “spiritual”, I would not feel anxious at all or depressed about circumstances or basically broken in any way.

When I asked Jesus to reside in my heart, there was a part of me that breathed a sigh of relief because at the age of 18, I was assured in my mind I was “fixed” now because I was saved.

I have journeyed through this life and at 45 years old, I have experienced death, divorce, loss, abandonment, redemption, remarriage, blending of families, restoration, and bitter heartache in the deepest places.

I have learned that salvation is not a cure all.

Salvation is just the beginning of my eternal walk with Jesus. My first page of my first chapter with Him.

Salvation is not an antidote to being anxious, depressed, broken…This is not what is promised in the Bible that I read anyway.

The Lord does tell us that he is not the Author of confusion.

He promises “a peace that passes all understanding”.

Those are promises I can stand on. He is my rock.


When God saves us our out of our messes, he changes our heart, but he doesn’t change our circumstances.

The truth is that Life is hard, but He is with us walking through all the parts. The easy, the simple, the complex and the downright devestating parts.

The parts of Life that would crush us under the weight of the heavy fog that causes us to see only a curtain of fear and uncertainty.

While uncomfortable and dark, it is in the difficult times that we become broken and come to the end of our own strength.

Being broken is not weak.

Being broken is where we can find the sweetest communion with Jesus.

I know that some of my darkest hours have led to my deepest revelations from the Lord.

This brokenness.

This broken place is where He is waiting to say,

“My daughter, rest your head on my shoulder, lay it all down and trust in me.”


Posted in Encouragement

You are Enough

Growing up all I ever dreamed of becoming was a wife and a mother.

Boring to some, but it’s my truth.

I played House with the best of them, organized my shoes when I was 2 and enjoyed dusting and vacuuming our family home. It was my JOY.

But as I grew up and married, had children, I always had a side job (mainly out of financial necessity) but always working…and working and working…

It’s interesting that in our society somehow that it is looked down upon as “not enough” if you choose to be a Homemaker.

Those awkward conversations through the years of “what do you do?” “No, really what do you do?” have caused angst at times trying to explain how I was juggling my infant and toddler while cleaning other people’s homes, waitressing at night, going to college full time while trying to manage my own home and pursue a dream of getting a college degree (to have a job I truly didn’t want to have in my heart) all because I was “supposed” to want more.

But I didn’t want more. I just wanted to be a Homemaker and decorate and create a home where people felt loved.

I enjoyed my teaching career, and learned more than I could have ever taught, but I never wanted to work outside of my home.

That is one of the reasons I love designing our new home, because it’s one of my passions…BUT, I have found myself now that we are Empty Nesters feeling a little less than at times because people know we don’t have kids at home anymore and ask “what do you do all day?”

First off, I live.

Secondly, I have a home that I take care of, a husband whom I love and fur babies that I cherish. That should be enough. And it is enough. I could stay “busy” all day if I let it absorb my time.

Sadly, we sometimes allow the world to make us feel that staying home to take care of our families is not enough. We must make the dollars, hustle or be a boss lady of some sort to be worthy.

Nothing wrong with being a boss lady, a side hustle or doing that if that is your jam, but if it’s not that’s okay, too.

And I know what it’s like to need to work to have diapers, put food on the table, so sometimes there isn’t even a choice.

But here is what I want to say today.

Our performance does not equal our worth.

Think about that. This is only a small chapter of our eternal lives, so what we focus on really matters.

Nothing we do for money, no matter the income level defines our worth.

Even if we bring in a six figure salary, that’s not going to make me a better person than that next heart sitting by me.

Some of the most miserable people I have met have all of the money you could want and some of the happiest people have very little material possessions.

I can hear it now, “Mary, you have a beautiful home, a roof over your head, food in the fridge and so much more.”

Yes, I do, but I also know what it’s like to not have anything. Like all of my things I own in just boxes with no home to call my own, no money and no prospects for the future. My husband knows this all too well in his own journey, too.

But I am speaking from my own experience, my own story, so this is my truth. I don’t expect your story to be mine, so don’t expect mine to be yours.

You see, for the first time in my life since I was 15 years old, I don’t have a “job” that brings in any real income. That’s 30 years of employment in some form or fashion and since December 3rd I left my Direct Sales position (best decision ever with no regrets 😌) and I had already retired early from my teaching career.

I realized last week that I just had my first real month of early retirement on January 3rd and how great it felt to just breathe. To not worry about sales goals, hitting ranks, etc.

I can just be and that is enough.

This first month of my new life we celebrated Christmas, New Years, hosted parties, I read some good books, organized my kitchen/pantry, spent time with my family, focused on my husband and worked on our home in a way that feels so freeing.

So complete and exactly what I have always wanted.

The desires of my heart to be a wife and a mother are from the Lord and they are my highest calling. It doesn’t take away from other people’s calling. It’s just me.

I know I am blessed beyond measure to have a husband that puts no expectation on me to work outside of our home, in fact, he enjoys me being here. Says I am more ME now and to relax and know Home is where I am called to be. He sees it in me.

I struggle with anxiety and most of it is self imposed because I feel like I should always be doing more.

Doing more because of what? Why?

Truthfully, I do need to work on planning my days better and using my time more wisely and make the most of my time given.

I don’t want to be wasteful or lazy, but there is a balance.

So, to all the women who work outside, inside, all around…let’s stop the comparison trap. Let’s find contentment with what our choices are and not allow others to dictate our level of happiness.

We all go through different seasons and I am living my unique season right now. No judgment for others doing their own thing and expecting no judgment for my choices in return.

Life is too short to live in a competitive race, instead slow down and enjoy whatever place you find yourself

I just know someone is rooting for you to find your calling,

I promise ~M

Posted in Grief



The thing about memories is, we all remember things differently. So one person could experience the exact same event, but their perception of the event, the details, the feelings, even the outcome of the event could be vastly different.

We remember the things that we want to remember and some times we remember the things we want to forget.

Like the heated argument that brought out the worst in us, the coldness that crept into the relationship because of the differing views on decisions.

The feeling of being polar opposites with someone you once felt so close to…even called friend. And had memories with…so many memories.

But memories are funny little creatures.

We can try to suppress, depress, repress and digest them, but they can pop up all over the place reminding us of a happier time or revealing a little unburied hurt that we thought was forgotten long ago.

Especially around the holiday season when families gather around, expectations are high and the memories start to flow.

We don’t get to choose which ones that our brain will commandeer for us to re-live, they just start playing over and over like an old frame by frame projector on the big screen.

Waking us from a deep slumber with sweaty palms and a racing heartbeat because the pain felt so real.

This Christmas season in particular has been more difficult for me because I know that two of our children won’t be with us (we are a blended family, so if you are in this camp, you understand the fragile nature of these circumstances we find ourselves in every holiday).  Even though they are grown children, it is still so hard to let that go.

While I am thrilled to be with our oldest son and other relatives, there will be two empty spots at the table…along with all the of the loved ones that have passed on.

Thankfully, and hopefully, next Christmas our two youngest will be able to be with us to celebrate Christmas, but there is a chance at least one of them won’t due to career choices and other choices as well.

That’s another thing about memories, we can go back into our vault and pick out the times that we remember how close we were to someone and try to figure out when it all went wrong.

The dialogue in our head can sometimes look a little like this…

Was it something I said?

Should I have shown them more attention?

Did I overwhelm them with my opinions?

Did I not say enough?

How did I fail them?

Why don’t they want a relationship with me anymore? Well, I guess that is that and its over…

But here’s the thing about relationships and memories, our own personal narratives color how we see others.

We see it all through a lens of our own hurts, private pain and regrets.

We sometimes put or project our choices or words onto the other person without even realizing that we are doing this.

Thus in effect creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts.

She never calls me anymore so she must be mad at me.

He didn’t text me back after I sent him a nice text, he must not be interested in me any more.

Why didn’t she email me back after she asked me to send her that invitation?

I knew they didn’t really like me, but were just using me…and the narrative in our brain goes on.

Meanwhile the other person missed your call, didn’t see the text, the email is lost in cyberspace and they do like you…

Or maybe all the things that we dream up in our brains are true, but there is more to the stories and we are afraid to face truth.

Maybe just maybe we build walls so we won’t be hurt, so as soon as someone gets close to us, we start planning out all the ways the relationship will cause us pain and decide its just not worth the effort.

I am personally making a declaration of sorts, a taking back of my own decision of which memories I get to dwell upon and while I can’t just pick out the bad apples of memories and toss those in the garbage, I CAN choose my reaction to the way those hard and painful memories make me feel.

I CAN also choose to remember the good, like a highlight reel of sorts so when the hard ones come on strong, I CAN sift and sort through it all looking for the gems of truth and happiness that bring the JOY that can settle deep into the heart of what really matters.

If you are dealing with pain, loss and a relationship that is strained, I challenge you to try this with me.

Let’s try to focus on the good and try to find something that is redeeming about that relationship. I am not suggesting to become a doormat and let people who are abusive walk all over you, that’s a whole different and delicate issue.

I am talking about every day hurts and pain…

Even if that person is no longer on this earth and caused you a painful memory, maybe you can choose to try to find something good, maybe the memory is just that you are no longer hurt by them and can walk in freedom.

Every person is different as our memories are different. So your story is complex and filled with so many variables.

It’s not a magic formula or a one size fits all recipe for dealing with painful memories, but it is worth a shot…we can be hopeful when we put our HOPE into something far greater than our own flesh and blood.

This scripture has helped me so much lately,

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal”.

Isaiah 26:3-4

So while my own personal circumstances might never change, relationships that once were strong might be weak or even non-existent, one thing never changes…the ROCK.

I am choosing to cling to the memory of all memories.

August 2, 1991 when I gave my heart to the Rock for eternity.

Because of Him.